Today we jump into part 2 with our expert guest John Gray. If you missed part 1, make sure you go back and listen to last week’s episode.
Last week, John talked about how environmental additives impact us hormonally and affect men and women’s relationships, but these aren’t the only things adding complexity to the modern relationship. Personal technology, such as cell phones, as well as the platforms we access through them, have begun to impact relationships in a huge way.
Life is speeding up. We are constantly overstimulated. Our brains are wired to be seeking out new and different stimuli. Our motivations have changed from just the fulfillment that comes from personal interaction, which is creating an unconscious loneliness inside of us.
If you have high dopamine stimulation, the neurons in the brain will begin to disappear. You start to rely on high stimulation just to feel normal. All the things that used to provide pleasure, personal interaction, affection, sharing, connection, now they feel flat and boring.
The same problem applies to men and online pornography. When a man fantasizes about a woman online, he gets a huge rush of dopamine, which is actually higher than real, intimate sex, where there are several other hormones involved. This makes the thought of sex less exciting.
When abstaining from ejaculation for just a week, the testosterone in a man’s system will double. Too often, the body is deprived of hormones and nutrients it needs. Sex is a very big part of a long term relationship, but if your hormones are out of balance, it will be hard to experience the fulfillment of that.
So, with all of these complexities in modern society and relationships, how can we get these relationships back on track? There are 4 essential steps that are absolutely necessary:
- Stop trying to change your partner. Don’t blame each other for the way you are. If you aren’t happy with the way you are, then what you are doing isn’t working. You need to start from there, and stop sabotaging your relationship.
- Take responsibility for your own happiness. Regardless of what your partner does or doesn’t do, find your happiness. Become self-reliant.
- Understand what your partner’s primary emotional needs are. Now that you have taken the time to focus more on yourself, you can give more to your partner from a place of fullness.
- You get more in return when you start giving more. But if you aren’t getting what you need, simply ask. Do not give with the expectation of things in return, but know that your needs are important as well.
There is clearly a lot of nuance to these, particularly in the different ways that men and women need to communicate and have their needs met. The book, Beyond Mars and Venus, goes into detail on all of these differences, and how to follow these steps in various situations.
The Biggest Helping: Today’s Most Important Takeaway
“Men, if you’re finding you are getting angry, stop talking. If you can listen more, that’s better, but you might have to take a time out. It only gets worse if you talk when you’re angry because it throws your hormones out of balance. What you can give to women is to ask more questions, listen more before speaking (because when you talk you make it worse), and keep your words short and simple. Don’t try to change her.
“For women, it’s such an automatic thing when you’re feeling stressed out to give orders, complaints, point out things. Recognize if it’s a big issue, talk about it, if it’s a little issue, overlook it, talk to a girlfriend. Let him be your hero. Take time to appreciate him.”
Thank you for joining us on The Daily Helping with Dr. Shuster. Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Google Play to download more food for the brain, knowledge from the experts, and tools to win at life.
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